When the war mindset is the primary operating at work, it contributes to ongoing destructive conflict and makes true cooperation difficult or virtually impossible.
Practice waking-up to war as the unconscious metaphor you participate in at work. Do different work groups ever speak of or act like they are enemies?
How much do you and/or colleagues unconsciously talk about work matters as if we are at war? For example, do your marketing people sharpen their marketing “weapons” to use on “target markets?” Brainstorm the use of war language and talk about how it plays out daily.
Choose another metaphor to describe your workplace. One of the popular metaphors my clients choose is gardening. What would your workplace be like if you approached work as a gardener or a tree instead of a warrior or victim of war? Or an orchestra with conductor, and each musician and section working literally in concert.
Practice consciously selecting a metaphor that serves you better to frame the way you work.
- How would you think about the work, yourself all other stake-holders (clients, vendors, leaders, investors, etc) based on the new metaphor?
- How would everyday language change?
- What alternatives to “battles and trenches” would pepper daily conversation?
- How would the energy at work shift?
- What are the likely outcomes of your new metaphor?
Emotions are perhaps the most essential aspect of conflict in the workplace. One of the greatest mistakes most people make is to underestimate or ignore the power that emotions have.
Emotions are an essential part of conflict. Strong feelings are both part of the catalyst for conflict and outcomes of conflict.
Negative emotions, like anger, shame, fear, hatred, and humiliation tend to increase when the thoughts, communication, and behavior surrounding conflict is adversarial.
Many emotional “hidden agendas” are really “deeply hidden agendas.” This means the person is not consciously aware or these feelings and how they are affecting their behaviour.
Most hidden feelings have grown over time. They are old hurts from past conflict experiences that have not be completely released. Lingering negative emotions create a stressful work environment and contribute to the terrible human and financial costs of conflict. Transforming conflict includes healing old and current hurts.
Human beings are essentially storytellers. And one of our favorite story subjects to tell and hear about is other people. This is called gossip. Gossip is used as informal orientation—to teach people “what is and is not acceptable around here.”
It also serves to test our own behavior against the behavior of others and the people whose opinions matter to us. However, as you know, gossip can quickly get out of hand and become very destructive in the workplace.
Trying to get people to stop gossiping is not likely to be effective any. Besides, social and neuroscience evidence confirms that gossip is inherently a part of being human. It is a vital part of who we are. However, you can build upon this timeless human past-time and capitalize on the skills that we have built up. In other words, recycle the skill and the human habit.
One way to recycle destructive gossip is to use the “grapevine” as a communication channel and change the content to constructive or “good” gossip.
Think about someone at work that you could appreciate a bit more than you do now. Imagine how spreading good gossip about the person could improve your work relationship with them. Start to notice what you genuinely appreciate about them.
Share what you appreciate about the person with someone who is likely to pass it on. Choose something that if the person being gossiped about were to hear it, it would make their day.
Have you initiated or experienced anyone spreading positive gossip? Please let me and other readers hear about it.
The complementary actions of apology and forgiveness are profound. They accelerate the journey from conflict to cooperation by transforming the energy of negative emotions. Know you may need help with this. Start to gently use these powerful tools by applying them to conflict at your workplace.
Exercise #1
Listen respectfully next time a colleague or client tells a story of a past or existing workplace pain. If you truly feel sorry that they have had this painful experience, tell them. If appropriate, apologize on behalf of the organization, the profession. Or just as a fellow human being.
Exercise #2
Find a way to forgive (let go of the feelings that eat you up) anyone from your past or present work situation. This does not mean that you should excuse what they did or place condone the actions. Get a coach, advisor, therapist or trusted friend to help you do this.
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