It is said that a large percentage of heart attacks happen on Monday mornings. I wouldn’t be surprised. In my many years of coaching and consulting in organizations, I often hear people speak of their work experience as if they are in a war-zone.
A war-like mentality causes people to struggle against those they should be cooperating with. Everyone becomes “the enemy.” For example, some salespeople think of customers as people they “target.” They can get angry at these “targets” when they don’t buy and “waste” the salesperson’s time. Does anyone in your workplace feel as if they are “under siege?” Do you make decisions in terms of “which battles to fight?” How do you feel on Monday mornings?
In any specific situation, an angry response is a product of a person’s current interpretations and feelings. Also, a tendency to interpret negatively and react with anger becomes a habit over time. In addition to having the skills and tools of anger management–the “I” messages, expressing feelings, needs and requests, etc., there are two other essential ingredients.
The first one is awareness–the realization that you may have that habit of interpreting negatively and acting with anger–maybe to specific triggers or under certain circumstances. In this way, your angry response can become a clue to better understanding yourself–the first principle of emotional intelligence. Being aware includes the ability to “catch” yourself reacting in the anger habit pattern when it happens. It also includes being willing to see the pattern upon reflection or consider it if someone mentions it.
The second missing ingredient is the other person. In addition to expressing our own feelings, interpretations and requests, it is important, if appropriate, to check out your negative interpretation by asking the other if it is accurate. And to be curious about what their side of the interaction. This enhances your social intelligence as well as your emotional intelligence. It goes beyond empathy to becoming truly interactive. It is important to understand the biological gift of anger and use it for better relationships as well as for survival–or as I read on a Linked In comment from Consultant Jeff Furman–Channel the anger “lemon” into “lemonade”the way Jon Stewart does on The Daily Show!
Behavioral science“technologists” have been using such concepts as encoding, decoding, transmitting and “noise” to explain human communication for several decades. This model may be familiar to you. It views communication as a linear act. It states that communication begins with an intention, encoded into a message by a sender, decoded by the receiver. What the receiver decodes produces a result–a reaction or response.
This model is useful in understanding how easy it is for humans to miscommunicate. Humans communicate primarily through words and non-verbal actions. The entire process is filled with filters of perception, interpretation and reactions based on memories. Not to mention individual and cultural differences in meanings surrounding the words—as well as entirely different language systems.
This linear model has it’s limitations. We will explore other models in future posts. However, it can very useful for technology engineers, developers, testers and managers to better understand how easy and common it is to misunderstand each other. It is also a useful tool for self-awareness and self-leadership.
Application Exercise:
Think of a recent communication (f2f or electronic) where you misunderstood someone or they didn’t “get” what you were attempting to convey. Think about what your intentions were—what you meant to encode into your communication. Now, remember what results you got. Here are three steps that may help you have a better result next time:
1. Imagine what filters (personality, culture, values belief systems, history) may have influence them to “hear” something different than you meant.
2. Even better, with a genuine curiosity, non- defensively asked them what they thought you meant by what you said/wrote. (Yes, some call this paraphrasing.)
You may be amazed how often we humans leave a conversation as if each person was in a different conversation. I’m interested in your thoughts and experience with the exercise.
Create a conscious plan for an important conversation that is already on your calendar. Or think of an important work relationship that you could improve with a good dialogue.
Dialogue Checklist
- What is my true purpose for wanting this conversation?
- How would I describe our current work relationship?
- How would I like to us improve it? Why is this important to me?
- Am I willing to really listen to this person, with an open mind?
- How am I curious about this person’s ideas and their experience of the work? The experience of working with me?
- On a scale of one to ten, how much do I trust this person at this time?
- On a scale of one to ten, how much can this person trust me?
- What do I need to share with them about me that could improve our work relationship? What am I willing to share about me as a person?
- Am I as open to being influenced by what they say as I am interested in persuading them?
- What else do I need to plan in order to make this a effective conversation?
Timing? Neutral, mutually agreeable setting? Anything else?
In the business world in general, and in technology industry in particular, many still hold onto the belief that decisions, at least their own, are made rationally. Based upon both social sciences and neuroscience evidence, as well as 30 years of professional experience, I would call that belief an illusion.
In fact, through technology, neuroscientists have been able to track emotional reactions of people in action. What they are discovering is that emotions are not an occasional effect of thought and behavior—instead, they essential drive most of our behavior—even in the “rational” workplace.
There have been recent breakthroughs in artificial intelligence fields that should spread light on the importance of soft skills for tech professionals and managers. In 2007, Jim LaMuth was granted his second patent on the formula for what some are calling the “emotions” chip for a computer. Ultimately, the chip is designed to help computers analyze both the direct and subtle aspects of language and respond– ethically.
Marvin Minsky, the author of The Emotion Machine has an interesting way of thinking about emotions that elevats the status of emotions in business so we can better understand and manage them. He suggests an alternative to thinking of emotions as a mysterious (and I add—wimpy and barely relevant) addition to thinking. He acknowledges that emotions have developed in animals and humans as states essential for survival. And, that since we tend to respect different ways of thinking, we should consider emotional states as a “different ways of thinking.”
What if that were true? What if our emotions really do help us process information and create new ideas? When I think of emotions as another way to process information, as well as another source of my creativity, my problems seem to become easier to handle. For example, I recently made a decision partially because I was pissed off. When I shared the decision with my colleague, she realized I had been angry and gave me an option to reconsider. When I reconsidered where I was coming from, I realized the bit of anger helped me to make a decision I had needed to make for several months. The emotion of slight to moderate anger helped me take the step.
I am curious. Can you think of a behavior or decision you made lately that was driven by an emotion? Anger? Fear? Joy? Hope? What part did that emotion play in your thinking process?
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