Managers, Leaders & Professionals,

Is your work situation more like heaven or hell?  Does it revitalize you or drain the life out of you?  Much of what is nurturing or toxic at work has to do with people—how people work with each other daily, especially how they deal with conflict that inevitably occurs.

I created this blog to help you get beyond the old choices of letting the conflict get out of hand. Beyond ignoring conflict and letting it consume your time, energy, people, and profits. Beyond resolving each incident or trying to manage the process.

This blog is dedicated to inspiring and nurturing you to become conflict transformers. To help you develop the mental perspectives, the emotional and social intelligences, the skills, and work culture that transform conflict.

Please respond with a comment to any post that provokes or inspires ideas, emotions, insights, or whatever moves you to action.

Here's to your successful conflict transforming,

Edree Allen-Agbro

Inner Conflict: Trapped in My Own Freedom Prison.

The first memory I have of rebelling was as a 7-year old Baby Boomer girl.  My mother’s new boyfriend, who was about to become my stepfather, was attempting to bond with me in our flat on the South Side of Chicago.

I showed him the picture I had just colored and his response was to help me make it better—by showing me how to color inside the lines. 

I think that was the moment in my life that I decided I did not like coloring inside the lines. I became the one in the family that heard a different drummer.  Coming of age in Northern California during the sixties took that tendency to new levels.  It did not end when I married a Nigerian and went off to live on what seemed to my parents, and sometimes to me, a different planet.

I’ve lived quite an interesting life so far.  The four adults I raised are quite remarkable, each in their own way.  I have taught in universities, managed in an oil company, and coached and trained literally thousands of leaders. 

However, I recently hit a wall.  As an entrepreneur attempting to grow my business, I realized that I had created a prison of sorts around me that has kept me from the level of success I desire.

The difference between me and another entrepreneur I know who is very successful in her training and educational business?  She has a work schedule, systems and processes in place. Monday through Friday, she focuses. I  always thought m-f/9-5 was, frankly, boring.   I’ve worked hard—but usually in jobs with a flexible schedules and workloads, like 8 day teaching marathons followed by weeks of flextime.

However, in my desire to “go with the flow,” “be spontaneous,” do “what I feel like when I feel like it,” I am so much farther away from real freedom than she is.

I’m writing this because a friend, a published novelist who would like to be more prolific, urged me to.  She could relate.  She felt there are others out there who might also have this challenge.

The good news is, as part of the Baby-Boomer generation, I am greedy for new experiences of life.  Living beyond boxes or coloring outside of lines is right up my alley.

So here I go—I’m learning to get past the undisciplined “freedom” I’ve cultivated and bring more structure to my life so I can truly be free.  I joined a gym and I go at least 5 times a week now. (Of course I go at different times on different days-but what can I say.) Just as remarkably, I’m writing this during my new “No interruptions-I’m working” time of the workday.

I am also reading books like Work the System by Sam Carpenter to get my systems and processes in place. My goal is to create a happy medium between what I call the “work yourself to death” ethic and the limiting freedoms I’ve created for myself.  Can you relate?

In my opinion, being an entrepreneur is a perfect way to bridge that divide.  To transform a “practice” into a real business that contributes my special gifts to the world and rewards me with success and true freedom. Is that true for you as well?  

Oops! Writing time is over.  Time to go to the gym.  I’d like to hear from you.

 

 

 

Published on Wednesday July 1, 2009 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Workplace War is Stressful

It is said that a large percentage of heart attacks happen on Monday mornings.  I wouldn’t be surprised. In my many years of coaching and consulting in organizations, I often hear people speak of their work experience as if they are in a war-zone.

A war-like mentality causes people to struggle against those they should be cooperating with. Everyone becomes “the enemy.”  For example, some salespeople think of customers as people they “target.”  They can get angry at these “targets” when they don’t buy and “waste” the salesperson’s time.  Does anyone in your workplace feel as if they are “under siege?” Do you make decisions in terms of “which battles to fight?”   How do you feel on Monday mornings?

Published on Thursday June 18, 2009 in Emotional Intelligence at Work. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

Is Anger a Lemon?

In any specific situation, an angry response is a product of a person’s current interpretations and feelings. Also, a tendency to interpret negatively and react with anger becomes a habit over time.  In addition to having the skills and tools  of anger management–the “I” messages, expressing feelings, needs and requests, etc., there are two other essential ingredients.

The first one is awareness–the realization that you may have that habit of interpreting negatively and acting with anger–maybe to specific triggers or under certain circumstances. In this way, your angry response can become a clue to better understanding yourself–the first principle of emotional intelligence. Being aware includes the ability to “catch” yourself reacting in the anger habit pattern when it happens. It also includes being willing to see the pattern upon reflection or consider it if someone mentions it.

The second missing ingredient is the other person.  In addition to expressing our own feelings, interpretations and requests, it is important, if appropriate, to check out your negative interpretation by asking the other if it is accurate.  And to be curious about what their side of the interaction.  This enhances your social intelligence as well as your emotional intelligence.  It goes beyond empathy to becoming truly interactive.  It is important to understand the biological gift of anger and use it for better relationships as well as for survival–or as I read on a Linked In comment from Consultant Jeff Furman–Channel the anger “lemon” into “lemonade”the way Jon Stewart does on The Daily Show!

Published on Sunday June 14, 2009 in Emotional Intelligence at Work. 0 Comments

Emotional Intelligence and Technology Smarts–Compatible?

“Tell me Edree.  Does a senior manager in high tech really need to know how someone feels?”

What a great question and an obvious challenge.  His tone was friendly, but with a definite “prove it” sort of feel to it.  All eyes were on me.  Especially because I am an “immigrant” to the technology world, I had to meet this challenge.

 I smiled in secret gratitude for the perfect answer that had come to me just two days ago on the web.

 “That’s a good question, _____.” The truth is I really don’t know.But what I do know is that MIT and other organizations are developing computers that can read and respond supportively to the emotions of the user, particularly the challenging emotions like frustration.  I can say that it is clearly important for computers to know how people feel.  Whether, it is important for managers in tech companies—-you’ll have to decide.”

 Yes, the answer was a bit flippant, but it went over well.  They laughed and seemed to pay closer attention.

But now I have the time to offer a more complete response.  I will share it with you as well as with them. 

Here are three reasons why it is not only necessary but crucial for senior managers as well as other leaders and employees in technology to develop greater Emotional Intelligence (which includes, but is much more that knowing how someone feels):  1.  Neuro-scientists have determined that emotions heavily influence all our decisions and actions.  2. Emotions are a clue to what’s going on with the other person.  3. Challenging emotions, when ignored, can cause great chaos in the workplace.

What would you have said to the manager?


Published on Thursday June 11, 2009 in Soft Skills for Tech Leaders. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , .

Miscommunication Happens

Behavioral science“technologists” have been using such concepts as encoding, decoding, transmitting and “noise” to explain human communication for several decades. This model may be familiar to you.  It views communication as a linear act.  It states that communication begins with an intention, encoded into a message by a sender, decoded by the receiver.  What the receiver decodes produces a result–a reaction or response.

 This model is useful in understanding how easy it is for humans to miscommunicate.  Humans communicate primarily through words and non-verbal actions.  The entire process is filled with filters of perception, interpretation and reactions based on memories.  Not to mention individual and cultural differences in meanings surrounding the words—as well as entirely different language systems.

This linear model has it’s limitations. We will explore other models in future posts.  However, it can very useful for technology engineers, developers, testers and managers to better understand how easy and common it is to misunderstand each other. It is also a useful tool for self-awareness and self-leadership. 

Application Exercise:

Think of a recent communication (f2f or electronic) where you misunderstood someone or they didn’t “get” what you were attempting to convey.  Think about what your intentions were—what you meant to encode into your communication.  Now, remember what results you got.  Here are three steps that may help you have a better result next time:

         1.  Imagine what filters (personality, culture, values belief systems, history) may have influence them to “hear” something different than you meant.

         2.  Even better, with a genuine curiosity, non- defensively asked them what they thought you meant by what you said/wrote.  (Yes, some call this paraphrasing.)

 You may be amazed how often we humans leave a conversation as if each person was in a different conversation.  I’m interested in your thoughts and experience with the          exercise.

 

Published on Wednesday March 11, 2009 in Emotional Intelligence at Work, Soft Skills for Tech Leaders and Transforming Conflict at Work. 0 Comments Tags: , , .