It is said that a large percentage of heart attacks happen on Monday mornings. I wouldn’t be surprised. In my many years of coaching and consulting in organizations, I often hear people speak of their work experience as if they are in a war-zone.
A war-like mentality causes people to struggle against those they should be cooperating with. Everyone becomes “the enemy.” For example, some salespeople think of customers as people they “target.” They can get angry at these “targets” when they don’t buy and “waste” the salesperson’s time. Does anyone in your workplace feel as if they are “under siege?” Do you make decisions in terms of “which battles to fight?” How do you feel on Monday mornings?
In any specific situation, an angry response is a product of a person’s current interpretations and feelings. Also, a tendency to interpret negatively and react with anger becomes a habit over time. In addition to having the skills and tools of anger management–the “I” messages, expressing feelings, needs and requests, etc., there are two other essential ingredients.
The first one is awareness–the realization that you may have that habit of interpreting negatively and acting with anger–maybe to specific triggers or under certain circumstances. In this way, your angry response can become a clue to better understanding yourself–the first principle of emotional intelligence. Being aware includes the ability to “catch” yourself reacting in the anger habit pattern when it happens. It also includes being willing to see the pattern upon reflection or consider it if someone mentions it.
The second missing ingredient is the other person. In addition to expressing our own feelings, interpretations and requests, it is important, if appropriate, to check out your negative interpretation by asking the other if it is accurate. And to be curious about what their side of the interaction. This enhances your social intelligence as well as your emotional intelligence. It goes beyond empathy to becoming truly interactive. It is important to understand the biological gift of anger and use it for better relationships as well as for survival–or as I read on a Linked In comment from Consultant Jeff Furman–Channel the anger “lemon” into “lemonade”the way Jon Stewart does on The Daily Show!
“Tell me Edree. Does a senior manager in high tech really need to know how someone feels?”
What a great question and an obvious challenge. His tone was friendly, but with a definite “prove it” sort of feel to it. All eyes were on me. Especially because I am an “immigrant” to the technology world, I had to meet this challenge.
I smiled in secret gratitude for the perfect answer that had come to me just two days ago on the web.
“That’s a good question, _____.” The truth is I really don’t know.But what I do know is that MIT and other organizations are developing computers that can read and respond supportively to the emotions of the user, particularly the challenging emotions like frustration. I can say that it is clearly important for computers to know how people feel. Whether, it is important for managers in tech companies—-you’ll have to decide.”
Yes, the answer was a bit flippant, but it went over well. They laughed and seemed to pay closer attention.
But now I have the time to offer a more complete response. I will share it with you as well as with them.
Here are three reasons why it is not only necessary but crucial for senior managers as well as other leaders and employees in technology to develop greater Emotional Intelligence (which includes, but is much more that knowing how someone feels): 1. Neuro-scientists have determined that emotions heavily influence all our decisions and actions. 2. Emotions are a clue to what’s going on with the other person. 3. Challenging emotions, when ignored, can cause great chaos in the workplace.
What would you have said to the manager?
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