Monthly Archive for September, 2008

Emotions, Apologies, & Letting Go

Emotions are perhaps the most essential aspect of conflict in the workplace. One of the greatest mistakes most people make is to underestimate or ignore the power that emotions have.

Emotions are an essential part of conflict. Strong feelings are both part of the catalyst for conflict and outcomes of conflict.

Negative emotions, like anger, shame, fear, hatred, and humiliation tend to increase when the thoughts, communication, and behavior surrounding conflict is adversarial.

Many emotional “hidden agendas” are really “deeply hidden agendas.” This means the person is not consciously aware or these feelings and how they are affecting their behaviour.

Most hidden feelings have grown over time. They are old hurts from past conflict experiences that have not be completely released. Lingering negative emotions create a stressful work environment and contribute to the terrible human and financial costs of conflict. Transforming conflict includes healing old and current hurts.

Published on Sunday September 28, 2008 in Emotional Intelligence at Work. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

Recycle Destructive Old Gossip Behavior

Human beings are essentially storytellers. And one of our favorite story subjects to tell and hear about is other people. This is called gossip. Gossip is used as informal orientation—to teach people “what is and is not acceptable around here.”

It also serves to test our own behavior against the behavior of others and the people whose opinions matter to us. However, as you know, gossip can quickly get out of hand and become very destructive in the workplace.

Trying to get people to stop gossiping is not likely to be effective any. Besides, social and neuroscience evidence confirms that gossip is inherently a part of being human. It is a vital part of who we are.  However, you can build upon this timeless human past-time and capitalize on the skills that we have built up.  In other words, recycle the skill and the human habit.

One way to recycle destructive gossip is to use the “grapevine” as a communication channel and change the content to constructive or “good” gossip.

Think about someone at work that you could appreciate a bit more than you do now. Imagine how spreading good gossip about the person could improve your work relationship with them. Start to notice what you genuinely appreciate about them.

Share what you appreciate about the person with someone who is likely to pass it on. Choose something that if the person being gossiped about were to hear it, it would make their day.  

Have you initiated or experienced anyone spreading positive gossip?  Please let me and other readers hear about it.

Published on Saturday September 20, 2008 in Emotional Intelligence at Work. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

Marketing and Conflict. What’s the Connection?

Today I attended a great early morning training entitled True Lies: Five Ways to Get Real About Landing Large Accounts.  It focused on getting rid of the myths about small companies doing business with large companies.

The four panelists and moderator reminded us to be willing to develop relationships in a long-term process; find out why the customer is buying and what they truly need; and to be willing to negotiate through conversation.  The expert details of their rich content made these familiar ideas come alive and I was completely in learner mode. Yet, I was brought briefly into “expert” mode when the moderator called on me for a “sound byte” about how negotiation is traditionally thought of in this country.

 “As a battle,” I replied. “That’s the code.” 

Jeanette Nyden, one of the three panelists and a lawyer who helps business people make better deals at the bargaining table, echoed my sentiments by re-emphasizing the importance of building relationships—which is the opposite of declaring war on each other.

Right now on my bookshelf, I have a copy of Guerrilla Marketing for Consultants.  There is a lot of good stuff in there.  Ironically, much of it is about building relationships and trust.  My point is that mixed metaphors confuse our brains and our behavior.  I have personally felt the sting of “relationship” marketing that felt like I was a “target.”

Please share your thoughts and experiences on this one.

If you are in the greater Seattle area, check out the True Lies Full Day Conference on Thursday, November 6, 2008 at the World Trade Center, Seattle. It will be co-presented by J. Nyden and Company, Tsuluwerks and Performa Business Development.  

Published on Tuesday September 16, 2008 in Transforming Conflict at Work. 0 Comments

Release Those Negative Emotions

The complementary actions of apology and forgiveness are profound. They accelerate the journey from conflict to cooperation by transforming the energy of negative emotions. Know you may need help with this. Start to gently use these powerful tools by applying them to conflict at your workplace.

Exercise #1

Listen respectfully next time a colleague or client tells a story of a past or existing workplace pain. If you truly feel sorry that they have had this painful experience, tell them. If appropriate, apologize on behalf of the organization, the profession. Or just as a fellow human being.

Exercise #2

Find a way to forgive (let go of the feelings that eat you up) anyone from your past or present work situation. This does not mean that you should excuse what they did or place condone the actions. Get a coach, advisor, therapist or trusted friend to help you do this.

Published on Friday September 5, 2008 in Emotional Intelligence at Work. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , .