Leadership Coach * Cultural Consultant * Speaker
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Edree Allen-Agbro
I was working with a client group of about a dozen members of a senior management team. The chief executive wanted the team to explore interpersonal issues from an appreciative perspective. In other words, he wanted them to focus on what was already working so they could build on it. So, instead of talking about what was wrong or missing, I had them remember a time when they had a very positive interaction at work.
I wish you could have been there to see how they lit up as they shared that positive experience with a partner. Their faces smiled and their voices became more animated as they tapped the interpersonal skills and wisdom that they already had. I could feel the energy of the room lifting and lightening up.
The next step was to identify the elements—the things that were said and done to make those remembered interactions so positive. As we listed those strengths, they become even more encouraged, until one manager burst the good mood “bubble.” He asked me “If we are always thinking about the positive, how will we know that our perspective is balanced?”
“I will address that in a moment,” I said, “but first I have a couple of questions for you. “ How many combined years of experience have you had in this industry?”
They agreed that we were talking about at least 300 years of experience in the room.
“Second, how much of the time has been spent focusing on the negative?”
They discussed it for a couple of minutes and agreed that they focused on the negative about 98% of the time.
“My last question is, in the 98% of 300 years, how many times did anyone ask the question ‘Is our perspective balanced?” That is an emotional intelligence capacity–the ability to uplift yourself and others.
They looked at each other, reflecting individually at first and agreed…..”never!”
If you have anywhere near a similar experience, you have a lot of room to focus on the positive and constructive.
The first memory I have of rebelling was as a 7-year old Baby Boomer girl. My mother’s new boyfriend, who was about to become my stepfather, was attempting to bond with me in our flat on the South Side of Chicago.
I showed him the picture I had just colored and his response was to help me make it better—by showing me how to color inside the lines.
I think that was the moment in my life that I decided I did not like coloring inside the lines. I became the one in the family that heard a different drummer. Coming of age in Northern California during the sixties took that tendency to new levels. It did not end when I married a Nigerian and went off to live on what seemed to my parents, and sometimes to me, a different planet.
I’ve lived quite an interesting life so far. The four adults I raised are quite remarkable, each in their own way. I have taught in universities, managed in an oil company, and coached and trained literally thousands of leaders.
However, I recently hit a wall. As an entrepreneur attempting to grow my business, I realized that I had created a prison of sorts around me that has kept me from the level of success I desire.
The difference between me and another entrepreneur I know who is very successful in her training and educational business? She has a work schedule, systems and processes in place. Monday through Friday, she focuses. I always thought m-f/9-5 was, frankly, boring. I’ve worked hard—but usually in jobs with a flexible schedules and workloads, like 8 day teaching marathons followed by weeks of flextime.
However, in my desire to “go with the flow,” “be spontaneous,” do “what I feel like when I feel like it,” I am so much farther away from real freedom than she is.
I’m writing this because a friend, a published novelist who would like to be more prolific, urged me to. She could relate. She felt there are others out there who might also have this challenge.
The good news is, as part of the Baby-Boomer generation, I am greedy for new experiences of life. Living beyond boxes or coloring outside of lines is right up my alley.
So here I go—I’m learning to get past the undisciplined “freedom” I’ve cultivated and bring more structure to my life so I can truly be free. I joined a gym and I go at least 5 times a week now. (Of course I go at different times on different days-but what can I say.) Just as remarkably, I’m writing this during my new “No interruptions-I’m working” time of the workday.
I am also reading books like Work the System by Sam Carpenter to get my systems and processes in place. My goal is to create a happy medium between what I call the “work yourself to death” ethic and the limiting freedoms I’ve created for myself. Can you relate?
In my opinion, being an entrepreneur is a perfect way to bridge that divide. To transform a “practice” into a real business that contributes my special gifts to the world and rewards me with success and true freedom. Is that true for you as well?
Oops! Writing time is over. Time to go to the gym. I’d like to hear from you.
It is said that a large percentage of heart attacks happen on Monday mornings. I wouldn’t be surprised. In my many years of coaching and consulting in organizations, I often hear people speak of their work experience as if they are in a war-zone.
A war-like mentality causes people to struggle against those they should be cooperating with. Everyone becomes “the enemy.” For example, some salespeople think of customers as people they “target.” They can get angry at these “targets” when they don’t buy and “waste” the salesperson’s time. Does anyone in your workplace feel as if they are “under siege?” Do you make decisions in terms of “which battles to fight?” How do you feel on Monday mornings?
In any specific situation, an angry response is a product of a person’s current interpretations and feelings. Also, a tendency to interpret negatively and react with anger becomes a habit over time. In addition to having the skills and tools of anger management–the “I” messages, expressing feelings, needs and requests, etc., there are two other essential ingredients.
The first one is awareness–the realization that you may have that habit of interpreting negatively and acting with anger–maybe to specific triggers or under certain circumstances. In this way, your angry response can become a clue to better understanding yourself–the first principle of emotional intelligence. Being aware includes the ability to “catch” yourself reacting in the anger habit pattern when it happens. It also includes being willing to see the pattern upon reflection or consider it if someone mentions it.
The second missing ingredient is the other person. In addition to expressing our own feelings, interpretations and requests, it is important, if appropriate, to check out your negative interpretation by asking the other if it is accurate. And to be curious about what their side of the interaction. This enhances your social intelligence as well as your emotional intelligence. It goes beyond empathy to becoming truly interactive. It is important to understand the biological gift of anger and use it for better relationships as well as for survival–or as I read on a Linked In comment from Consultant Jeff Furman–Channel the anger “lemon” into “lemonade”the way Jon Stewart does on The Daily Show!
Co-Authored by Edree Allen-Agbro. Learn More…
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